


Planting Seeds

by Leticheecopae



Category: Johnny the Homicidal Maniac
Genre: Children acting like they know what they are talking about but don't, Comedy, Cute Kids, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Incorrect sex talk, Sex Talk, Two kids being rediculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-02-23 05:41:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23606500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leticheecopae/pseuds/Leticheecopae
Summary: Todd asks Pepito how babies are made. The son of Satan is positive he knows how, but does he really?
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	Planting Seeds

**Author's Note:**

> This was a fun com finished a little while back that I got the okay to get up. I love writing these two, and writing them as little kids is just so fun and cute. So much crazy stuff to twist around.

“And this was me right after I tore out of Mamá!” Pepito points to a picture that has a striking amount of red in it. Red eyes, red blood, the rosy-red cheeks of his mother as she smiles into the camera. She is surrounded by a bunch of people in white clothes that are stained red, pink, and a few other strange colors that make Todd’s brain scream _wrong wrong wrong_ on repeat, but he doesn’t know why. Señor Diablo used to do that when he saw him in pictures, too, but Mamá Mary has taught him that all bodies are beautiful, even those with giant horns and fire for eyes.

The fire in Señor Diablo’s eyes is very nice in this picture, and it fits with how Pepito’s Mom is smiling, so everything should be fine, right? Especially since she can do it while covered in all that red.

“What...what do you mean tore out?” Todd asks as he scoots the book toward his friend. “I thought a stork—”

Pepito gives a sharp laugh that cuts Todd’s questions off. 

“A stork? De Verdad? Did your parents introduce you to Santa and the Tooth Fairy too?”

Todd shudders as he tugs Shmee closer, holding the bear tight (Pepito is one of the few people who don’t make fun of him for taking his bear everywhere, which is nice). He knows about Santa _and_ the Tooth Fairy. He doesn’t like either of them. Santa, with his breath that smells even worse than his mommy’s after her ‘medicine’, and the giant gorilla of a horror that had come through his window, singing nonsense to itself as something greasy had slipped under his pillow and then taken the tooth away. At least they had left a pretty piece of green glass behind, though it had been a little sharp. 

Still, even if they left him little presents for his teeth and good deads, small and strange as they were (Santa gave him a hammer one year, but he supposed it let him help Daddy around the house, so that was fun), he doesn’t really want to talk about them. Santa can see him all the time after all, and talking about people behind their backs isn’t nice, right?

“Then, how are babies made?’

Pepito blinks at him, a slight pause in his usual arrogant and all-knowing air filling the room. Todd cocks his head to the side. Does he not know? But Pepito knows everything!

“Do you...do you not know?”

“Of course I know!” Pepito replies, throwing his arms over his chest as he sticks up his nose. A little flare of fire and smoke comes out of his nostrils, making Todd giggle. He likes it when Pepito does that. “I was just surprised you didn’t know.”

Todd shakes his head, “Uh-uh. Mommy and Daddy never talked to me about it. Will you tell me?”

“Since I already tell you everything else, then fiiiine.” Pepito plops down in front of him, looking as if he is remembering (really, he’s just thinking quite hard) what it is that people do to have babies.

“So, first, you have to find either some really clean or really rotten soil,” Pepito says.

“What about just okay soil?”

“Nah, not good enough. See, you have to sow a seed in it. Once you do, then the baby can start growing. If the soil is just ‘okay’, then the baby is just going to be ‘bleh’, I think. Or maybe it’s one of those aborted ones.”

“Aborted?”

“Yeah, the Mamá or Papá decide that they want to start the seed over so they tear up the soil and fix it up for another one.” 

“So, that’s what they do when it’s just okay?”

“Yeah, I think so, anyway,” Pepito waves a hand at him, sweeping away the idea of just ‘okay’ soil. “At some point, the seed grows into a little fruit, and then the Mom eats the fruit. It’s called ‘womb fruit’ or something like that. When they eat it, it puts the baby in their stomach.” Pepito pats his belly. “There, the fruit grows into a full baby, surviving off of all the stuff the Mom puts in its belly. According to Mamá, I was a very spicy fruit. She had to eat a lot of ice cream and stuff to keep me from burning her belly.”

“What kind of baby do you think I was?” Todd bounces a little as he tries to think of what he could have been. 

Pepito squints his eyes as he stares at Todd for a moment.

“Sweet. You were definitely sweet. That’s why your Mamá had to drink all that nasty shit she did, so you wouldn’t make her sick with your sweetness.”

Todd’s face heats a little at the swear, but also because of the smile that crosses his cheeks. Pepito thinks he was a sweet baby! For some reason, that makes him feel very happy. 

“Okay, so what happens to the fruit?”

“Well, once the fruit is ready, it has to find a way out of the Mom. Some try to throw them up or spit them out, but they end up swallowing and eating the baby.”

“Ewwww.” Todd’s nose crinkles. That doesn’t sound very yummy.

“Yeah, but those are the dumb ones. The ones who are smart are the ones who try to poop or pee them out. Though, the ones that try and pee them out hurt a lot because the baby is so big.”

Todd nods along as he listens because that makes perfect sense. Of course it would hurt! Who could push something that big out of a pee-hole?

“Or there are the babies like me, that just cut their way out. My horns were too sharp for Mamá to do the other ways, so I did the work instead.” He grins at Todd, who stares at him in awe.

“Wooow,” he whispers. 

“Yep!” Pepito says as he looks back down at the picture. “That’s why there’s so much blood, but the doctors and Papá sewed Mamá up super quick, so she was okay. How were you born?”

“Oh, hmmmm…” Todd thinks about that for a second. He had seen a strange scar on his Mommy’s belly once, just under her belly button. His eyes grow wide. “I...I think I might have had to do that too,” he whispers. 

“Ouch, that must have sucked for her. You don’t even have claws!”

Todd reminds himself to give Mommy a biiiiiiiig hug when he gets home.

“Now, why would our dear Todd need claws, hijo?”

Todd turns around to find Señor Diablo standing in the door. His horns and fiery eyes used to scare Todd quite a lot, but now, he finds them very friendly. He'd even let him and Pepito use his horns as seats at the shows they’ve been to. 

“To get out of his Mamá like I did!”

Todd nods, “Pepito told me all about how babies are made.”

“Did he now?” Señor Diablo raises one of the bony ridges above his eyes.

“Uh-huh. What kind of soil did you and Mamá Mary plant Pepito in? Was it really clean?”

Señor Diablo blinks at him before he looks over at Pepito.

“Hijo, would you go help your Mamá with the cookies? I’m sure she could use help getting them out of the oven; she’s misplaced her oven mitts.”

“Ok, Papá.” Pepito quickly gets up and runs out of the room, moving so fast that Señor Diablo’s black robe ripples. 

“Now, Todd, as much as Pepito knows, the way he was born was very...different than most children.”

“Really?” 

“Yes.”

Todd watches Señor Diablo sit at the edge of Pepito’s bed. 

“You see, Todd. Here in the mortal world, when a human that owns a uterus decides they want to have a baby, or sometimes even when they don’t, a human that produces sperm, or a bank that provides it, injects it into the uterus where—”

“Y-you mean like a shot?”

“Well,” Señor Diablo rubs at his chin. “I mean, I guess it is a bit like a shot, though since it goes up through the vaginal canal—”

“The what!? Why does my Mommy have a canal?”

“You see Todd, that’s where—”

“I thought those were rivers...WAS MY MOMMY A RIVER!?”

Señor Diablo sighs. “No, Todd, your mother wasn’t a river. Let’s start over. Humans can have a penis and testis, like yourself; a vagina and ovaries, like your mother; or in some cases, a mix of the two that—”

“Why do I have to have tests?”

“I...what?”

“You said I have penses and tests! Why do I have to have tests?”

Señor Diablo opens his mouth before shutting it.

“You know what, Pepito was close enough. Just…” he sighs. “But you didn’t dig your way out of your mother like he did. You were cut out by the doc—”

“W-why would someone cut me out!?”

Señor Diablo does his best to give a tired smile, “Because it was safer for you and her since you didn’t have claws. And they used such a sharp knife that she couldn’t even feel it.”

Todd blinked up at him, “Really?”

“Really.”

That makes Todd feel a little better. At least it hadn’t hurt his Mommy.

“Todd, cookies!” comes Mamá Mary’s voice from downstairs. Todd quickly starts to get up.

“Just one more thing, Todd.” 

Todd pauses and looks over at Pepito’s Papá. “Making and raising a baby is a hard job, and you don’t want to do it until you're much older, okay.”

“Don’t worry, Señor Diablo,” Todd replies as he starts to head towards the door. “I don’t even know how to plant seeds!”

Todd’s not sure why, but that makes Señor Diablo laugh.

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on twitter or CuriousCat!  
> [NSFW Twitter](https://twitter.com/leticheecopae)  
> [SFW Twitter](https://twitter.com/FluffyLeti)  
> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/leticheecopae)
> 
> And, as always, if my Spanish is off, let me know! I'm pretty rusty.


End file.
